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My Perp Life: The Kappa Shimmy

This story is about the time Impersonated being a Kappa at UAB for a night…

Many of my friends know that I have never really been found of the men of Kappa Alpha Psi Phi Nu Pi since high school and the “Kappa League”

These boys where influenced by these grown men to have parties and in the middle of parties put oil on each others bodies n say they pretty

Iono bout y’all but I never want another man oiling me up talm bout “aye Bruh like for real doe, u pretty af Bruh damn”

Just doesn’t seem right in my book but I digress

So me and my homeboy roadtrippin up from Mobile the summer after my senior year in high school to UAB

My best friend and a lot of his homeboys that I already knew were living there and going to that school

Apparently the Kappas there always threw great parties with a lot of women… Women love gay niggas. It’s science

So just to give u a time frame in Bham. They threw this party at the Continental which is now renamed and some kinda strip club

So earlier that evening I found out we going to this kappa party there and I was like “oh lemme practice my shimmy” niggas 😂 as I practiced

So we all drinkin and vibin and women came over and they see me slow shimmy on em and was like “damn he a kappa?”

At that point I paused. I thought to myself “is my shimmy really that good or did she just call me a fag?”

I decided to go with the former and believe that my shimmy was mean thus giving the illusion that hey I can be a kappa for the night

I know I know. That’s a flawed line of thinkin but hey. I was practically a high school nigga drinking heavily for my 3rd time. Shrug

I told a couple people what I planned on doing that night but hindsight I realized them niggas really didn’t believe me

What was even funnier tho is that my favorite color is blue and I was wearing that mostly so in all honesty I coulda looked sigma ish

We roll out to the party. Deep af. It’s like 10-12 niggas with us and we ready to go ham in the spot

Just as advertised bitches was everywhere. I call em bitches cuz like Katt Williams said I don’t know their names individually

We get in the spot and I start mackin. I mean I was tryin to holla at allllll the college bitties in there. Thick, slim, tall, midgets, etc

We go and post up on the side of te club and start dancing n shit and I’m looking around and seeing different feats stroll

I see the alphas.. Nope It was the sigmas looking like alphas steeping

I saw the alphas and that annoying ass whistle blowing in my ear… Like nigga we see u coming why u trying to sound like a train conductor

Then I see da Bruhz and they straight up hopped thru and I swear I seent a bitch get drop kicked in the noggin… She shoulda moved

Then I see the Kappas shimmying… I then remembered my proclamation

As they shimmied past our group I jumped in the line at the end and proceeded to throw up the “Yo” and make my way around the club

I am killing this shimmy like a mug tho. Leg kick high *BOAW* drop it back down *BOAW BOAW* slow titty shake and roll *BAYOW*

Niggas could not tell me I wasn’t killing it and the bitches even was runnin on my head too.

Now again at this point I had to think to myself. Am I really suppose to be a Kappa? Is this my natural state? Am I really enjoying this?

I don’t mind gayness. I have gay friends. BUT I can’t get with it tho and I saw in the corner of my eye two Kappas tonguing each other down

Nope not for me! My nigga naaaaaaw

So as I continued to shimmy around the club for a second time I noticed that there were other kappas behind me that joined the line

I’m like well damn I might as well keep goin now cuz if I dip out then they gone know the jig is up!

So again I hit that high leg kick *BOAW* then I dropped it low on them hoes *BOAW* an kept on goin around throwing that “Yo”

So as I’m nearing back to where I was standing with my niggas I notice they are looking for me and I yelled out to then “Yo Baby Yo!”

They looked up and saw it was me and my best friend snatched me out the line and started cussin me out… This is where it got funny

Mind you the whole time these Kappas thought I was one of them since I had been killing the club with my shimmy yet I had blue on

The Kappas that wearing strolling behind me saw this man snatch me up and start cussin so they decided to Intervene

"Aye man what the fuck you trying to do with our brother?!" They exclaimed amidst the masses

I said “hey hey hey man brother guy, it’s ok, we just having a chat” as I shook my shoulders real slowly

Ya see I learned that night that apparently when ya shake ya shoulders real slow to a kappa that lowers their guard. They relax

It’s like the guy with the flute that be playing it to the cobra in a basket. It’s mesmerized them. Slow shoulder shake.

Anyways when I said that the Kappa fella said “aye we just trying to make sure ur good brother…” I said “Cornelius”

Everyone should have a fake name. I chose mine to be Cornelius.

Now see there were several Mobile niggas ready 2 have a reason to stomp these niggas out so I really wasn’t worried but the Kappas backed up

As they went by my homies told me how dumb I was but the whole time I was thinkin…What if that was da Bruhz? Would I be here telling this?

That moment was pivotal in my aspirations in Greek life. I realized that as long as I could high kick *BOAW* and drop it low *BOAW BOAW*

Thats all i needed and could be a kappa if I wanted to… Yeaaaah that’s not for this guy

Anyways as we dip out I saw one of the Kappa gents that were shimmying behind me.

He asked “hey my brother Cornelius, are you gonna be by the frat house later?!” I exclaimed “yes! I wouldn’t miss it 4 the world brohamity!”

Of course I didn’t go… I took my ass home and smanged a nice young lady. Great way to cap the night



Pimp Down, Code 72

Have u ever taken a roadtrip and met someone while there that piqued ur curiosity? A person that u were extremely attracted to body n mind?

So u meet this person, hit it off, talk and vibe then, poof, u gots to go back to ur normal life wherever you came from

luckily for us nowadays, we dont have to write letters and use the pony express or use smoke signals like the Navajo and Iroquois, Phones

Phones have allowed us to connect to one another like never before instantaneously, however, still not face to face, but better than nothing

Anyways, this story is about a young lady I met while being “Owt” on the road and the events in which a peak and valley occurred…

It was a normal lead up to any other road trip, bruhz late of course and we get on the road late, of course… nigga shit

I enjoy driving; in fact I enjoy it so much that I used to drive from New Hampshire to Alabama most of the time coming from school

So these couple of hours we taking are nothing to a Boss… and lo and behold, I am a Boss… of my own life at least

There were other members of the group in the car and we had little side convos every so often

But I remember playing a good game of “iSpy”… by myself… not as entertaining as u think… kind of need more people but I was good at it

Nothing really excited happened on the drive really, saw some trees, some farms, couple bad chicks driving 4 a lil bit but it was only faces

gotta see a liiil bit more for me to give them the bad call…I need to see some bodies…so instead of bad, lets call em “not so good” then

we get to the school and immediately we go to the bruhz crib… libations and chicken are plentiful

If u haven’t had “Que” chicken then u should 1. Get some or 2. kill urself… ijs

Anyways, of course on any campus u go 2, be4 u can enjoy urself, u have 2 “get good” soooo i did… after bout 5 minutes into the house I go

Oil is flowing chicken is hot but the only thing that was missing was the females… WHERE IS DA BITCHES AT BRUHZ?!?!?!

Bruhz assured me that there were females on the way… the first wave… meh, mediocre reds, no real stand outs (sorry yall) but its true

2nd wave of females, more reds and randos, couple ones lookin niiiice in the group, one red had gratuitous amounts of butt… I liked her

3rd wave of females somewhat overlapped for a lil bit with the 2nd wave, few chicks but one in particular caught my eye…. hmmmm

I played it cool… let others talk to her and I just looked a lil bit trying to catch an “eye fuck” or four

After listening 2 1 of the most hilariously ignorant songs I have ever heard, that was strictly about big booties and bitches, she came over

She said “so u were really into to the bitches song” she laughed.. I said, “Well I happen to like bitches that have big booties”

Of course I could have been more eloquent but never one up ya opponent in the race for the vagina… she can take it the wrong way

She said “ur a mess Milan” I said “even though u heard my name that don’t mean u can just call me that without proper intro”

Truth is, the only reason I said that is because I had been drinking and I forgot her name… felt like that was pretty assholishly smooth

To protect her identity, let’s call her Gwen… Gwen had a nice ass body… pretty smile as well… and she had some sense I could tell

So we get to talking and vibin n and that shit until it was time to bounce to go to the main party

Now I had been drinking so I hit the back seat and she needed a ride too so she joined along

So im thinking to myself by this time, oh yeah my nigga u bout to move tonight, prepare for “meat rub mode”

"Meat Rub Mode"… no man wants a woman to see or feel his penis at the smallest state therefore he prepares himself by getting "Half Mast"

You know, still soft on the touch but there’s blood flowing… #pow

So I put my hand on her thigh… she looked at me… she put her hand on my thigh… I looked at her… so we looking at each other now

Next thing u know a lil peck on the neck I give… harmless maneuver but strategic and effective… no tongue initially, don’t be overzealous

I pull back and I see her eyes were closed… yup u know that means she was feeling it, soooo back in I went

This time she got her hand on my meat so thank goodness I prepared myself on “Meat Rub Mode”

Mind u its pitch black in the back seat when bruhz is driving so I lowkey want to push the envelope… but I chiiiiiilled

We get to the party and walk in, now the whole time she close by pretty much but I was trying to play it cool so I didn’t seem too thirsty

My homie came with me, let’s call him Leonard, while I was walkin/hoppin around the club say hey and OOOOOOH, he was with her 4 the majority

I would run back across them every once in a while and rub on her booty and say a lil shit in her ear but I would eventually keep it moving

There was another party that night… we said well damn bruhz got two parties on the same night?! Ok I guess we gotta go to both…

So we hop back in the whip and move along down the road to the next spot… now in the backseat we get back to where we left off earlier

My thoughts were to just pull it owt n see what would happen… by this time the oil had been flowing all through the blood, but I chiiilled

"Why did u chill Milan?" MAAAAAAN iono I guess I thought I wanted to really get it in for real later so I would just save it all up

Hindsight… terrrrrrible move… we get to the other spot and I did the same thing I did in the last spot, hoppin wit bruhz seein her a lil

After bout an hour I can tell she didn’t really wanna be there anymore so I was goin to suggest that I take her home and “drop her off”

However, I had to go to the restroom first, momma told me to always go before I go

Well I return back to the party and was searching… searching… searching… oh shit she gone #fail aight where my homie? Damn he gone too

I get a text saying “aye bruh had to take her home, she was tired and had to leave” now im salty cuz i know she aint gone let me come after

Party ends and of course I try to hit her up… no response… tried again… no response… FML!

So im sans butt for the night

Anyways, I really wanted this one though, so after I finally get a hold of her on the phone, she of course tells me she’s too tired… smh

So we leave the next day and go back to the respective places however, I didn’t give up on her for some reason

So for months following we talking more and more, we become friends, and of course we talk about sex alllll the time

Now by this time im talking CASH MONEY SHIT about what im do in the pussy, im talking bout cirque de soliel type shit poppin off

We sending pics back and forth… yes those kind of pics, and she is seemingly wanting it just as much as I #winning

So finally I get the chance to go back to her school… ooooooooh the shit bout to go down!

Of course I gotta rap wit da bruhz first so I went thru and had a drink… which followed by another, and another, and another and another

In the car, we packed up some to go, so when I parked… I had another… im sooooome kind of fucked up now

I get in the party and a nigga is wylin, im talm bout im doing hops no bruhz ever seen in they life

the shit was fresh but hell no one else could do them, hell i didnt even know i could do them, i was making the shit up as i went

Gwen texts me “hey i am pretty tired where are u?” soooo i said hey bruhz its bout that time for me to be owt… duty calls

a bruh hands me another drink as i walk out the door so i had to rush it and be out… terrible move

so i get the address and put it in the GPS… the gps lady says turn right now, i get confused and think do she mean now or the next right?

that happened bout 3 or 4 times but i finally get to her spot, she opens the door and i try to keep it together as good as possible

now at this time i thought i was straight i mean i thought i was good enough to do all the things i had been talm bout for months to her

so i go to the bathroom throw some water on my face and shake it off, step out the door and go to work in the land down under

now of course i am feeling a lil light headed but i thought well thats just cuz i must be doin it right…WRONG,i was fucked up beyond words

what i do remember is hearing her say “yes keep goin, right there”… then i woke up naked

now when i say i woke up naked u would think thats good right?! u would think “oh shit, Milan really smanged that chick huh?” NOPE I DIDNT!

i woke up and she had on allllll her clothes, even smelled like she took a shower too, i was sleepin on top of the bed sheet w/ her under it

so i roll over and ask “with the hell happened last night?!” she looked at me… then she rolled back over smackin her lips

now i have never received a BDR before in my life so i’m like uh oh did i fuck her too hard or sumn sheesh my bad kitty

i get up n put my boxers on n say “yo fo real u straight?” she says “nigga u passed out on me last night! i was ridin then u fuckin sleep!”

im in shock.. i did the only thing i knew to do and that was try to smash again in the morning… she was not having it

i said “yo whats wrong wit u, why cant i get any now then, we both sober now!” but noooooo she wasnt having it at all

so i go to the bathroom… morning piss was still in me #shrug… come back out and she full up now and gettin ready for the day

i just stand there half naked and sad…

i tried one more time to see if i could get the buns, i mean shit i done waited this long! nope nope nope, she blocked that like mutombo!

i slowly put on my clothes, she left the room and laughed with her roommate… i thought it was bout it… i felt inadequate

i walk out the room and the laughs stop… i speak and say yeah im roll now… she said “yeah aight then yeah”… #fail

i get the “church hug” then bounce and still have yet to get another chance at her since smh… friendship lost, vagina loooooong gone

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