Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme



Bum Wars: The Passion of the Bum

Follow Me @TheUtmost

This story is able the will inside of a man. A will so strong that despite the incredible odds, he would still forge on to obtain his dream

This man would push on thru his obstacles and come out a better person in the end… Or would he? Hmmm. Let’s find out in Bum Wars

Couple years back I was on a long road trip from New Hampshire to Florida. Being owt as they say. 2 and a half weeks with all my possessions

Driving by myself in a car. Just going from school to school, city to city, being “that bruh”. Maybe not the wisest but certainly fun af

Anyways. I’m driving singing my ass off. Trey Songz album Trey Day is bumpin down the interstate I’m singin everythang!

"she said, I ain’t ready to have no babies! Jumped up put my clothes back on, just about to get some had I make a store run!" I was killin!

So I’m leaving Virginia Union University heading south and I got famished so I said why not get some food?

I mean usually people get food when they re hungry right? Well apparently not all, but we will get to that later… I started to look

Lo and behold I see a sign that says “Waffle House… Nigga u know u want some” and well damn it I sure did, so I pulled off

The waffle house was bout a half mile off the exit and I had to stop at a light, now at this light was a black bum… I rolled up my window

He looked me dead in the face and I coulda sworn he mouthed “Niggas ain’t shit”… Well u bum ass nigga u ain’t shit either clearly

I made the right then pulled on the lot.

Mind u, I had allllll of my possessions with me in this car, it was full up to the ceiling essentially with no room for a passenger

Therefore I couldn’t just leave my car too far away from the spot so I parked close to the window were I saw a free booth.

Walking up to the door there was another bum sitting Indian style with a VUU hoodie, raiders skully, and bright neon sweats, no shoes

This particular bum was white… This was our conversation…

Bum: hey man I’m hungry and need some money for a waffle or biscuit. Me: man I can’t give u that but if I have some left ill give it

Bum: no, I don’t want that. I want some money *jingles cup*. Me: look man I said I can’t. Ain’t u hongry? I’m a give u some food.

Bum: no. I dot want that! I want some money! *jingles cup harder*. Me: oh my bad I couldn’t hear u with all that jingling *walks off*

I walk in and sit down. The server/cook/security guard comes over and asks what I want to drink

2this day, and I have gone 2 seemingly hundreds of waffle house establishments but I have only seen with my 2eyes in person some1 attractive

Well there have been 3 attractive women but still. 3 outta 1493 employees ain’t good odds at all. An this lady wasn’t one of three

So I asked her. “hey Wassup with that bum outside? I mean not only is he a grown man sittin Indian style, but he’s annoying ur customers”

She says “well he has been there a while”. I said “so what he owns the spot or sumn?! He said he was hongry then said he aint want food!”

She said “look he ain’t hongry he just want money for liquor. But there’s another bum that comes up here and they fight so we like to watch”

I say “well I wish they would do that tonight. I want some entertainment hahaha… Lemme crank that water tho shawty”

I get my water like I always do, and me being the savvy person I am I ask for a refill of sprite just to see what they gone say

So I’m sippin and waiting for my all star meal to come and all of a sudden I hear a bang on the window

I turned around and sure enough it’s the white bum outside screaming at the top of his lungs…

As he was screaming I could see the black bum from earlier running toward him at full speed

The black bum stopped about a car length away from the white bum. He screamed “MUH FUKA didn’t I say to never come back?!”

The white bum said Nuthin… “MUH FUKA I know u hear me! DIDNT I SAID THAT?!”

Now by this time I think to myself, that’s grammatically incorrect, it should be “didn’t I SAY that” but I guess that wasn’t his point

Still the white bum said nothing… Bad idea

Just then the black bum started chopping his feet then ran full speed at the white bum… Dude tackled him like LT

I was like daaaaaaaaamn *smokey voice* and now everybody was at the window looking at the bum fight

Just as we get to the window and expect the white bum to be laying there gettin hammer fisted by the black bum, the black bum vanished

Now it was pretty dark outside but Fo real. How did he disappear that quick?! I mean I’ve never heard of a ninja bum

The white bum got up and looked around scared like a mug cuz he didn’t even know where the dude sucked off or if he was coming back

Just then I saw from the corner of my eye, a black shadow zooming by… BOOM! Blind sided the hell outta white bum into the door

The door flung open and they both fell down… Scrambling around to get away, the white bum saw sumn

Now if it was me, after than blind side, I woulda been like ay man u got it. I don’t need this spot, I was wrong. Then bounced

But naaaaaw white bum had heart. Let’s call him Rudy. And let’s call the black bum Mike Tyson.

Rudy got up and saw a chair in the corner, he picked it up and slammed Iron Mike in the back repeatedly

I’m thinkin to myself “damn, the things u do for a 4loko and some hash brown smothered and covered”

Mike is obviously hurt by this time and still gettin slammed on the back. Somehow he gets up an Rudy tries to go for the closer…

He swings the chair around his head then throws it him but mike ducks. The glass breaks and I say oh damn not my grits!

I run over to my plate nd move it so I didn’t have to eat glass, I mean damn I was still hungry but this was a good ass fight

Mike ducked that chair throw and then grabbed Rudy… He took him the the nearest car… Then slammed him on the hood

Then he slammed him again…

And then he slammed him on the hood again…

Now had that have been my car I would have ha to jump in that fight but since it wasn’t I can say that like A real goon

Anyways black bum Mike steps over the worn out white bum Rudy and comes inside

Everybody lookin at this nigga like he’s a god and I even step aside cuz I damn sure ain’t tryin to get slammed on the hood of a ca

Mike goes to the bar and sits down like ain’t a damn thing happen then says “aye Wanda gimme a chocolate milk and a patty melt!”

I go back to finish my food real quick so I could hurry up and get outta there before sumn pop off again and I get in it

I pay and get my change and walk outside with my leftovers and change. To my surprise, Rudy was still there sittin Indian style again

I said “aye man u want this food or not?!” he said “look I told u I don’t want that! I want the monies! *jingles cup*”

I shook my head and gave that man a dollar and 17 cents… “here man u need this tonight, u earned it”

He said “thanks… Muh fuka” then he stood up and limped his cripple ass across the street…

The power of the drink is mighty. The passion of the bum is mightier.



Pimp Down, Code 72

Have u ever taken a roadtrip and met someone while there that piqued ur curiosity? A person that u were extremely attracted to body n mind?

So u meet this person, hit it off, talk and vibe then, poof, u gots to go back to ur normal life wherever you came from

luckily for us nowadays, we dont have to write letters and use the pony express or use smoke signals like the Navajo and Iroquois, Phones

Phones have allowed us to connect to one another like never before instantaneously, however, still not face to face, but better than nothing

Anyways, this story is about a young lady I met while being “Owt” on the road and the events in which a peak and valley occurred…

It was a normal lead up to any other road trip, bruhz late of course and we get on the road late, of course… nigga shit

I enjoy driving; in fact I enjoy it so much that I used to drive from New Hampshire to Alabama most of the time coming from school

So these couple of hours we taking are nothing to a Boss… and lo and behold, I am a Boss… of my own life at least

There were other members of the group in the car and we had little side convos every so often

But I remember playing a good game of “iSpy”… by myself… not as entertaining as u think… kind of need more people but I was good at it

Nothing really excited happened on the drive really, saw some trees, some farms, couple bad chicks driving 4 a lil bit but it was only faces

gotta see a liiil bit more for me to give them the bad call…I need to see some bodies…so instead of bad, lets call em “not so good” then

we get to the school and immediately we go to the bruhz crib… libations and chicken are plentiful

If u haven’t had “Que” chicken then u should 1. Get some or 2. kill urself… ijs

Anyways, of course on any campus u go 2, be4 u can enjoy urself, u have 2 “get good” soooo i did… after bout 5 minutes into the house I go

Oil is flowing chicken is hot but the only thing that was missing was the females… WHERE IS DA BITCHES AT BRUHZ?!?!?!

Bruhz assured me that there were females on the way… the first wave… meh, mediocre reds, no real stand outs (sorry yall) but its true

2nd wave of females, more reds and randos, couple ones lookin niiiice in the group, one red had gratuitous amounts of butt… I liked her

3rd wave of females somewhat overlapped for a lil bit with the 2nd wave, few chicks but one in particular caught my eye…. hmmmm

I played it cool… let others talk to her and I just looked a lil bit trying to catch an “eye fuck” or four

After listening 2 1 of the most hilariously ignorant songs I have ever heard, that was strictly about big booties and bitches, she came over

She said “so u were really into to the bitches song” she laughed.. I said, “Well I happen to like bitches that have big booties”

Of course I could have been more eloquent but never one up ya opponent in the race for the vagina… she can take it the wrong way

She said “ur a mess Milan” I said “even though u heard my name that don’t mean u can just call me that without proper intro”

Truth is, the only reason I said that is because I had been drinking and I forgot her name… felt like that was pretty assholishly smooth

To protect her identity, let’s call her Gwen… Gwen had a nice ass body… pretty smile as well… and she had some sense I could tell

So we get to talking and vibin n and that shit until it was time to bounce to go to the main party

Now I had been drinking so I hit the back seat and she needed a ride too so she joined along

So im thinking to myself by this time, oh yeah my nigga u bout to move tonight, prepare for “meat rub mode”

"Meat Rub Mode"… no man wants a woman to see or feel his penis at the smallest state therefore he prepares himself by getting "Half Mast"

You know, still soft on the touch but there’s blood flowing… #pow

So I put my hand on her thigh… she looked at me… she put her hand on my thigh… I looked at her… so we looking at each other now

Next thing u know a lil peck on the neck I give… harmless maneuver but strategic and effective… no tongue initially, don’t be overzealous

I pull back and I see her eyes were closed… yup u know that means she was feeling it, soooo back in I went

This time she got her hand on my meat so thank goodness I prepared myself on “Meat Rub Mode”

Mind u its pitch black in the back seat when bruhz is driving so I lowkey want to push the envelope… but I chiiiiiilled

We get to the party and walk in, now the whole time she close by pretty much but I was trying to play it cool so I didn’t seem too thirsty

My homie came with me, let’s call him Leonard, while I was walkin/hoppin around the club say hey and OOOOOOH, he was with her 4 the majority

I would run back across them every once in a while and rub on her booty and say a lil shit in her ear but I would eventually keep it moving

There was another party that night… we said well damn bruhz got two parties on the same night?! Ok I guess we gotta go to both…

So we hop back in the whip and move along down the road to the next spot… now in the backseat we get back to where we left off earlier

My thoughts were to just pull it owt n see what would happen… by this time the oil had been flowing all through the blood, but I chiiilled

"Why did u chill Milan?" MAAAAAAN iono I guess I thought I wanted to really get it in for real later so I would just save it all up

Hindsight… terrrrrrible move… we get to the other spot and I did the same thing I did in the last spot, hoppin wit bruhz seein her a lil

After bout an hour I can tell she didn’t really wanna be there anymore so I was goin to suggest that I take her home and “drop her off”

However, I had to go to the restroom first, momma told me to always go before I go

Well I return back to the party and was searching… searching… searching… oh shit she gone #fail aight where my homie? Damn he gone too

I get a text saying “aye bruh had to take her home, she was tired and had to leave” now im salty cuz i know she aint gone let me come after

Party ends and of course I try to hit her up… no response… tried again… no response… FML!

So im sans butt for the night

Anyways, I really wanted this one though, so after I finally get a hold of her on the phone, she of course tells me she’s too tired… smh

So we leave the next day and go back to the respective places however, I didn’t give up on her for some reason

So for months following we talking more and more, we become friends, and of course we talk about sex alllll the time

Now by this time im talking CASH MONEY SHIT about what im do in the pussy, im talking bout cirque de soliel type shit poppin off

We sending pics back and forth… yes those kind of pics, and she is seemingly wanting it just as much as I #winning

So finally I get the chance to go back to her school… ooooooooh the shit bout to go down!

Of course I gotta rap wit da bruhz first so I went thru and had a drink… which followed by another, and another, and another and another

In the car, we packed up some to go, so when I parked… I had another… im sooooome kind of fucked up now

I get in the party and a nigga is wylin, im talm bout im doing hops no bruhz ever seen in they life

the shit was fresh but hell no one else could do them, hell i didnt even know i could do them, i was making the shit up as i went

Gwen texts me “hey i am pretty tired where are u?” soooo i said hey bruhz its bout that time for me to be owt… duty calls

a bruh hands me another drink as i walk out the door so i had to rush it and be out… terrible move

so i get the address and put it in the GPS… the gps lady says turn right now, i get confused and think do she mean now or the next right?

that happened bout 3 or 4 times but i finally get to her spot, she opens the door and i try to keep it together as good as possible

now at this time i thought i was straight i mean i thought i was good enough to do all the things i had been talm bout for months to her

so i go to the bathroom throw some water on my face and shake it off, step out the door and go to work in the land down under

now of course i am feeling a lil light headed but i thought well thats just cuz i must be doin it right…WRONG,i was fucked up beyond words

what i do remember is hearing her say “yes keep goin, right there”… then i woke up naked

now when i say i woke up naked u would think thats good right?! u would think “oh shit, Milan really smanged that chick huh?” NOPE I DIDNT!

i woke up and she had on allllll her clothes, even smelled like she took a shower too, i was sleepin on top of the bed sheet w/ her under it

so i roll over and ask “with the hell happened last night?!” she looked at me… then she rolled back over smackin her lips

now i have never received a BDR before in my life so i’m like uh oh did i fuck her too hard or sumn sheesh my bad kitty

i get up n put my boxers on n say “yo fo real u straight?” she says “nigga u passed out on me last night! i was ridin then u fuckin sleep!”

im in shock.. i did the only thing i knew to do and that was try to smash again in the morning… she was not having it

i said “yo whats wrong wit u, why cant i get any now then, we both sober now!” but noooooo she wasnt having it at all

so i go to the bathroom… morning piss was still in me #shrug… come back out and she full up now and gettin ready for the day

i just stand there half naked and sad…

i tried one more time to see if i could get the buns, i mean shit i done waited this long! nope nope nope, she blocked that like mutombo!

i slowly put on my clothes, she left the room and laughed with her roommate… i thought it was bout it… i felt inadequate

i walk out the room and the laughs stop… i speak and say yeah im roll now… she said “yeah aight then yeah”… #fail

i get the “church hug” then bounce and still have yet to get another chance at her since smh… friendship lost, vagina loooooong gone

Welcome Friends